Thursday, March 12, 2015

Self Worth & Gratitude

Yesterday I was brought to the realization how uplifted I am by fellowship . Friendship .
The extreme gratitude of the gift of others. Of their warmth , their soul touch .
I also found comfort within the sharing of another sister who like myself had been struggling with the issue of self worth . esteem , confidence , our value .
In a society where value of everything is based upon economic value be it job , education , outer image .
I realize that every human has this struggle but this is my personal struggle that I speak of . what effects me , myself & what I observe within those I love
in all the things that I am mother , grandmother , lover , writer , folk healer wyrt wife etc.  I can be both uplifted so I feel I can go on , love the work , love the ultimate production at the end .
I can also become stuck , having great lack of motivation . struggle with perfection . struggle with being lesser than .
It can be re-enforced via me seeing perfection from others or negative words & actions from others just as much as the uplifting gives me strength to go on .
I can get overwhelmed via constant images of the greatness of others & I just don't compare .
I need to stop myself , stop comparing , stop feeling less than
just as when global problems become to big & I need re-focus , bring self back to home . work on the beautiful little things within the here & now .
 So yes the last 3 days I have faced the lesser than , often via those closest & those most loved within my heart .
Resentment of I not having value via economic means .
why do I not get a job ? why am I not working ?
I go in to feeling like shit .
I begin to look about schooling ?
how could I earn & support our unit via economic means ?
the education system claims that all which I studied within it is out dated . all my college courses wiped obsolete .
do I begin again a course of 5 yr study so I could produce a satisfying income ? only to then retire in 6 more yrs ?
 do I study what I consider false spirituality so I can sell it to others who are also feeling less than can find their calling ?
do I take health care courses to partake in a medical system I do not agree with ? counselling so I can partake in a child welfare system , psychiatric system I don't believe in ?
herbal courses so I then will be somehow qualified ?
Do I need make a resume of all my hrs mothering our own & those of others , volunteering within a school system , the herb lady at the local co-op . the 3 yrs of street outreach & volunteering within the safe house ?
 do I need say & list all I have studied on counselling , sexual abuse that took me far beyond the confines of class work . the friends & family I have touched as they have me . the countless young who continue to call upon me who see I have self worth just as they do .
 Do I need list the list of all ?
The fact is I am at the age & time where I like any single person my age who has had a paying job has !
\ I am tired ! I am looking forward & began it to time that I get to spend on myself .
 that I can perhaps dedicate more time to that which is hobby . that which is creating more from my artistic side . spending time with our grand children .
just the things anyone else my age is looking towards right now .
So when I am belittled & told " why don't you get a job " , looked upon as if I am doing nothing & have done nothing
my spirit sinks .  I become inactive . why bother . no one notices the tub & toilet are clean . the cat cared for . why do it when anyone else can do it .
where is my worth ?
do they not see my value , how I see my worth is for them ? all I've done is for them . & while I do not be lifted on a throne . am I now only of value if I were to bring in an income ?
society feels someone like I could work at Walmart . yes , that's it . someone with my supposed education of nothing can work at Walmart .
So I'm picking myself up , I know I am not nothing .
 But I am broken . I am a woman who does not pretend when her parts have been hurt , broken off.
 I need fixing . very gentle fixing .
 soft touches .
bring it back to here & now .
 what can I give me .
the strong spring sun helps . She caresses my body , warming me . The birds returning & talking to me , the tree beginning to give her blood to cleanse me .
 My friends , who also need self care , who just like I are struggling with self worth are picking me up.
 We are leaning on each other . supporting not draining .
This winter was a very long difficult one for myself . I struggled more with anxiety than I ever did before . I feel I can barely look after others right now . I feel if I do not help myself up I utterly will not be able to help those around me up .
So  I have made a vow to self .
 This is the yr. the beginning of self care
value myself & also be grateful for myself
Not that I don't constantly cleanse & work on the inner & outer of things .
 But really I need to take this yr to be caring to myself .
 nurture & give .
not being selfish but rather a resting & nourishing time much needed .
 I see this in my other sisters too.
 So I've offered we do this together .
 come together to selfcare alone & with each other .
Bath in the sun , waters , herbs & earth  . Caressing each other with gentle touch , walks & feasts .
Stepping softly  , blooming & creating  together .
 vision ~ dancing fires , songs & lazy sleeps
I need this , we need this . So let it begin !

this image should say it all , the why I do what I do & it should be enough !
In fact it should be of the most value for this is the next footstep to walk upon the earth & the outcome of that footprint is what comes next . 

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